I’m twenty years old, and I’ve never had a boyfriend, never even really been interested in having one. Although, looking back on it now, that may be due to the fact that I thought I could get everything I needed from friendships alone.
But, friendships can only go so far. I’ve had friends of all different ages, and not a single one of them has been able to dull the ache in my bones that longs for companionship, for any extended period of time. And I suppose that’s okay. I don’t believe that I should take precedence or priority in any of my friends’ lives.
And yet, (selfish or not) at the same time that I accept the fact that I shouldn’t take the number one priority spot in a friend’s life, I crave to be someone’s number one priority. This realization brought me to a place I’ve never been before. It’s made me at least consider the possibility that perhaps it’s time.
It’s not that, all of the sudden, I want a boyfriend. It’s more like I’m just finally interested in looking. I’m keeping my eye out now, keeping track of what I like in a guy and what I don’t (rather then, basically, ignoring the opposite gender all together).
I just want someone to think that I matter, and am important, and attractive in my own way. I want to feel desirable, instead of just being the little puppy that my friends drag around because they feel guilty for leaving me home alone.
If loneliness isn’t what drives the need for long-term companionship, for relationships that go deeper than surface or even subsurface friendships, then I don’t know what is…
It’s not just that I want someone to keep me company. I want someone who I can share my life with, and someone who whole-heartedly wants to share their life with me.
Boyfriend sounds so elementary, even if I am a novice. But I don’t just want somebody to hold my hand and pay attention to me. I want someone who will grow with me, challenge me, and change me for the better, someone who will need me and become someone that I need too.